The last leg of your child’s journey into adulthood is the most chaotic, the most exciting, the most powerful and potentially the most difficult. All of the years have come to this apex, this crossroads. Here, your parent to child journal is your anchor as you learn to navigate new and uncharted waters.
Relationships and Sex
Suddenly your son or daughter will be bringing over friends who are more than friends. They will be experimenting with partnerships and sex. They’ve probably had an introduction to sex education in their health class, but you can help to confirm the normality of sex, the basic facts, and some of the more personal feelings and choices that are involved. If your teen is responsive, you can ask them about their plans and anxieties, preferences, and experiences.
You don’t need to approve of every partner or choice that they make, but you do need to provide reasons for your disapproval. It’s not enough to say that they shouldn’t have any sex. You need to recognize what they are going through and remember your own early experiences, so that you can communicate what is valuable in a relationship, what is needed for a trusting bond to form, and what is, flatly, unacceptable behavior. Discuss consent not only for your child’s own body, but for other people’s as well. Make certain they know what it means to have consensual and safe sex, so that they become responsible partners and they can be confident in this natural stage of life.
Other parenting considerations for your journal
Apart from sex, they may need guidance on commitment, respect, communication and planning. Teach these through example. Your interactions with your own partner(s) will inform your children’s interactions, for better or for worse. Use your parent to child journal to talk about your own relationships. Find the definition of a good relationship in your mind, and learn to put that into words and actions. Learn what is important for you in a partner and ask your children the same question. We don’t need to be afraid of this kind of conversation. We don’t need to shy away from these personal questions. Our children don’t owe us an answer, but we owe them receptivity when they come to us with questions and concerns.
Journal prompts that will help you discuss sex and relationships with your teen:
- How can you unobtrusively bring up the topic of sex and relationships?
- Do you have questions that you want to ask your son or daughter? What are they?
- Have you already talked to your son or daughter? What did you discuss? Did they have any concerns or questions for you?
- What are some of the boundaries you want to uphold for your child? How will you encourage safety and consent along with freewill and discovery?
Self-Expression
You may have finally gotten used to your child’s growing independence and then wham, they start to experiment with clothes, makeup, music, drugs, and art. You may feel confused about their choices, their new looks, their new views or insights. They may evolve through different gender expressions, political expressions, religious or philosophical expressions. All expression is included in the grand scheme of things. Remember how it felt to be misunderstood by your own parents. Learn to be the foundation for your kids in any way you can. If you can’t, then find a support network who can teach you what your role is during these shifts in your child’s life.
Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. Start the conversation with your teen and give them the space to teach you what they’re going through and experimenting with. Give them the time to tell you who they really are. Your connection to your child is more important than any residual beliefs that may try to keep you from accepting them exactly as they are. When you give them that acceptance, you are also learning to accept yourself and everything that has alienated you or made you feel imperfect.
Parent to child journal prompts to discuss self-expression:
- What were some of the ways you stepped out of the norm as a young person? Discuss what this taught you about the “norm” and about yourself as an individual?
- What does acceptance cost? What do we let go of when we choose unconditional love?
- How can you show your support for your child’s choices? How can you communicate with them about any discomforts or worries you have?
Discuss the Concept of “Failure” with Your Teen
How clarifying was it, the first time someone told you that you are perfect as you are? How incredibly empowered did you feel? If you have never been told that, I’m telling you right now: you are perfect as you are. Imagine what it would mean to your child if you could be there to remind them of this fact. What would it mean to them if you were there to catch them when they fall?
Trouble at school, addictions, “bad” habits, “bad” choices, “bad” luck, etc. – these are inevitable. Inevitable. Everyone experiences some combination of these things. When you use your parent to child journal to reflect on failure, you’re not focusing solely on what’s happening for your child, you’re also reflecting on your own struggles, your own sense of inadequacy. It’s inevitable to feel shame or guilt for things we’ve said or done, but you are always learning to use those mistakes to fuel a better way of relating.
Failure is our opportunity to learn. This is what you are teaching your child. By taking the time to reflect on your relationship to failure, you gain the wisdom which you can then impart to them.
Parent to child journal prompts for reflecting on mistakes:
- If your child moves into dangerous behaviors and choices, what resources do you have for support?
- What is your source of strength through difficult times? Who and what can you rely on to carry you through each day?
- How do you want to show your concern for your child? How do you want to empower them?
Parent to Child Journal: Aspirations
Although we may have a vision for our children, we know inherently that they will have the happiest and most successful life if we devote ourselves to their vision. When we allow our children to be exactly as they are, we witness the blossoming and the incredible potency that we always knew they had. Throughout your child’s life, your role shifts from provider, to teacher, to friend. When you accept this shift, then you can hold your child close to your heart and still let them go out and, in the words of Ms. Frizzle (one of my favorite fictional characters from my own childhood): “take chances, make mistakes, and get messy”.
What is the other option? Well, you could relentlessly try to influence your child, try to mold them into the image you have in mind. You could lose sleep over the choices they will undoubtedly make, you could do everything in your power to control the future…
Or you can try to be the mentor they need: an open ear and a steady hand. You can help them to plan a life that will bring them joy and accomplishment. Use your patience and wisdom to instill in them the balance that is required to make their dreams come true. You can teach them to go easy on themselves and to believe in themselves. The peace of mind you trust together is something you can both depend for the rest of your lives. Congratulations! Enjoy the journey.
A few more parent to child journal prompts to get you started:
- How might a journaling practice benefit your children? How can you incorporate a mindfulness practice into your family’s routine?
- What does it mean to allow someone to be exactly as they are? What does it look like? Sound like? Feel like?
- What are you most proud of your child for? Talk about some of the little things that make you proud?
- What are you most proud of yourself for? What are all the little things that make your proud of yourself?
